The war began, as such things often do, with the great snub
Zeus, king of the gods, fearful of the greater goddess Eris
And her reputation for mischief, uninvited her to the wedding
Of Thetis and Peleus. Eris did not bear such indignations lightly
And so fashioned, from the purest gold, a perfect apple
Writing upon it “to the prettiest,” to inspire the envy of goddesses
Eris, pregnant daughter of the void and most treasured of all goddesses,
Entered the celebration, seething with rage at the snub
Where she casually tossed her glorious, golden apple
Into the festivity for all to desire, this was the vengeance of Eris.
All eyes, divine and mortal, fell upon her fruit glowing with holy light
There was a moment of quiet pause in the middle of that wedding
Until the violent desires of all fell upon that fruit, ruining the wedding
With flurry of fists and swift kicks to private areas each goddess
Sought to beat her sister deities into submission and claim the lightly
Glowing fruit as her own. No Goddess would allow herself to be snubbed
As less beautiful than the others. Just as the machinations of wise Eris
Predicted. All wrestled to claim as their own that precious apple.
Zeus wadded into the battling deities and took the apple,
After suffering extensive bodily harm. However, no salvation of the wedding
Could be made, flowers and decorations were strewn ubiquitously. Elsewhere Eris
Joyously consumed a hotdog, blaspheming all religions, as was the goddess’s
Want, for the proud gods had offended her honor with their snub.
And for their hubris she would blot out their divine light.
Zeus was unwilling to award the fruit to any in attendance, his lightning
Bolt could barely hold off the great war over the apple
In his cowardice he searched for a patsy, a mark, a fall guy to snub
The quarrelsome goddesses who had just ruined a really lovely wedding
Paris, prince of Troy, was just the moron to pick which goddess
Was ever so slightly more pretty than the rest, never hearing the laughter of Eris.
After truly enjoying her hotdog, and taking a quick nap, Eris
Watched as each goddess in turn tried to bribe Paris into awarding her the lightly
Glowing fruit. Hera offered him a kingdom, Athena wisdom and the hussy goddess
Aphrodite offered him a hot wife if he awarded her the apple
The apple went to Aphrodite, and Paris chose wedded
Helen of Sparta, not caring if her current husband would feel snubbed.
There is no goddess but the goddess, and the goddess is Eris
No party may be thrown with a snub, but all parties must contain the light
Of Eris. Inside every golden apple, is a golden worm.
