"I Don't Know How to Talk to Gay People"
Dude, it's not that difficult. You just blow air from your lungs through your vocal cords while moving your mouth, and you've achieved it. On the subject of subject, well chances are whatever you happen to be interested in, there are gay people also interested in it. My particular postage stamp of interests covers almost every nerdy thing possible from horror to superheroes to comedy. But if you're a sports guy you can always find gay sports guys. If you happen to be really into music, you can find those, it's not difficult.
But then again no matter how many times this article attempts to frame this as talking to gay people, it's really more about talking at them.
Over the summer, a friend of mine took a job as a waiter in a local eatery in a major city. He kept in contact with me by email most of the summer, and in one of those emails he shared that he was being challenged—the reason being that the majority of the wait staff he worked with belonged to the GLBT community.
"Challenged" is a vague evangelicalesse term. It doesn't actually mean "challenged" in the way those jerks at the dictionary define it, where the person is being opposed in some way. No, his friend is not being tempted, he's not forced to rethink his ideology. Instead what it means is that he's in a situation where he's unsure how to proceed with being that annoying co-worker obsessed with converting you. As we will see repeatedly in this article nothing is being called into question here, just how to best tell someone they're a hell-bound sinner.
Actually, six of the 10 wait staff considered themselves GLBT.
Seriously? Considered themselves GLBT? Yes, that's right, in the "How to talk to gay people" article, the first paragraph presupposes there aren't actually gay people in the first place, that it is merely an opinion that gay people have about themselves. "Hi, I'm The Black Goat, and I consider myself a fan of Community, a serviceable writer, and gay."
Yet, my friend did not express the typical Christian response to his challenge. Instead, he talked about how he was able to develop relationships with his coworkers by first laying down disagreements and looking for elements of common ground.
I find it hard to believe that your friend was not openly hated, because he seems like a complete jackass. The very first thing when developing a relationship is usually not "laying down disagreements." It's normally sharing small bits of personal information, often agreements. But "laying down disagreements" seems like a pretty typical Christian response to gay people to me.
Amazingly, some of that common ground happened to be issues of faith and God.
Apparently the fact that some gay people have some sort of religion, and even some are Christian is a fact that warrants amazement. Scroll back up to where I talked about how there are gay people interested in just about any subject.
He quickly found himself in respectful conversations and building relationships of mutual trust.
I really doubt this fact. Most likely he found himself in conversations where his presence was tolerated because he was a coworker.
Not only did he learn the first principles of relationship, he also demonstrated a positive method of communication with people different than he.
Why yes, making a huge jackass out of yourself, and then having awkward conversations personal conversations where you are merely tolerated IS a positive method of communication.
Sooner or later, we all personally face the GLBT lifestyle in some vein—whether it is a relative, friend, coworker or in ourselves.
Be prepared, the word "lifestyle" is going to appear nine times in this article. So let's just deal with it right now. Bob Henry, the author of this article, does not believe being gay is a lifestyle, no one does. It's just a clever fiction that people say, but don't mean, most of the time because they haven't thought about it.
It goes back to the entire line of thinking that spawned the "considers themselves" quote. There is a huge ideological investment in this particular flavor of Christianity in the fact that gay people can become straight people. That's why identity is minimized while behavior is maximized in their rhetoric. A "lifestyle" is how a person lives their life, hence why it is the perfect word choice, it's entirely about behavior and devoid of identity.
But ask Bob Henry or anyone else who uses "lifestyle" to actually defend it upon those terms and they will be unable to. Gay people are far too varied in how they choose to live to ever describe it as a "lifestyle." A gay virgin can not fit into any sort of "gay lifestyle" rhetoric, and most people do not doubt the existence of gay virgins.
Side Note: in an effort to get around the "gay virgin" conundrum, the habitual liars at places like Exodus International have claimed that all gay people were molested as children. Yep. Words fail.
Some within Christendom would assume because my friend has a more “free thinking” view of the GLBT lifestyle that the world has broken him down or that “the media has influenced him” over the years.
Wait... your friend doesn't have a "free thinking view." That was the entire point of the previous paragraph. Unless "free thinking" means "willing to engage in conversation." In which case, just ugh.
But my friend is not a member of the GLBT community and is not an advocate of a gay lifestyle; rather, he is what I would consider a fairly conservative Christian.
Which was a point made in the previous paragraph. I like how anything less than Westburo Baptist style animosity is considered ambiguous enough that we needed a clarifying sentence.
He has helped me see the necessity of opening my arms with a loving embrace toward people who may not have my same perspective on sexuality, especially those for whom the concern is not an abstraction but a matter that impacts their daily lives.
Which is exactly what you are not going to do, and what you are going to encourage anyone reading this not to do.
As Christians, we should aspire to welcome and create opportunities for dialogue with people who hold differing views on sexuality. Instead of talking so much about the people who consider themselves GLBT, we need to talk with them.
This is actually really good advice. It's just too bad it is preceded with two paragraphs of poorly-reasoned stereotyping and is going to be followed with advice for how to do the exact opposite.
If we end up with differing beliefs about this explosive issue, it should be after we have heard others speak and respectfully talked about our disagreements.
Uhh, it's not an "explosive issue." It's not even an issue. An actual explosive issue is one that impacts many people in many different ways, in which there can be rational disagreements. For example a chemical plant that would create jobs, but might do ecological harm is an explosive issue. Who some individual wants to date is not even an issue, let alone an explosive one.
I also like how beliefs are supposed to have some relevancy to all this. Beliefs are trumped by facts. Fact: sometimes gay people exist. From that basis a whole slew of logical conclusions arise, hence why people like the author of this article are so obsessed with making gay people not exist in the first place. Once you accept that fact as true, it's increasingly difficult to have "differing beliefs" and rational "disagreements."
German theologian Johan Howard Yoder said, “… the truth about a given matter often emerges slowly, as a gift, as we make ourselves vulnerable through ongoing conversation with one another.”
Another brilliant statement which is going to be immediately undermined...
Christians do not always present ourselves as a gift to our neighbors, especially those who differ from us in belief, lifestyle, denomination, etc.
Well that's a fun switch. We went from generic truth being a gift, to Christians themselves are the gift. He's actually encouraging the exact opposite of what Yoder said. Christians are not supposed to make themselves vulnerable, because making themselves vulnerable would be allowing for the possibility that Christians might be wrong. A theme that's going to run through the back half of this article.
Too often I have seen well-meaning Christians, young and old, close the door on people who are different. They take opportunities to preach or teach against those who are different in safe environments like church services or small groups. Or in passing, they stare and tell inappropriate jokes about them behind their backs. Still some simply ignore “different” people as if they were less than human. Wasn’t it Jesus who took His relationships with people of different lifestyles so far as to visit the tax collector’s home, allowed the prostitute to touch His feet and shared parables where the despised of society ended up being the good guy (or should I say, Samaritan)?
Yes, and Bob Henry is going to do something completely different. Instead of preaching and teaching against those who are different in safe environments, he wants to preach and teach against those who are different to their faces. Ignore the fact that that's closing the door on people who are different just as much as locking them out.
Over the past couple of months, I have found myself asking a multitude of questions regarding the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community and lifestyle.
I find it doubtful these are the correct questions like, "who are these people?" or "how can I understand them better?"
Whether the questions came from concerned parents, experimenting youth or activists on both sides of the issue, I have had to do a great deal of listening.
But not a particularly large amount of learning as we're about to see...
My goal is not to present a biblical case for or against the GLBT lifestyle.
Yep. No learning at all. I also like in the "How To Talk To Gay People" article, he actually has to clarify that he's not going to present the clobber passages.
Rather I want to share some real-life insights I have learned in discussing how to approach this sensitive topic:
While I appreciate the effort, they're not particularly good insights.
Show humility.
Excuse me? Two paragraphs ago you called Christians a "gift." That's not humility, that's arrogance. I've known quite a few gay people (and more than a few Christians) who have received the "gift" of Christians and returned it for store credit.
But that's why virtually the entire rest of this article is going to be little more than a marketing seminar.
Showing humility is not compromise.
No, it's not. But he doesn't want anyone to actually show humility. Humility means admitting you might not actually have all the answers, which is the exact opposite of this entire article.
In respectful conversation, we seek to express our commitment to certain “truths” with clarity.
Why no, no we don't. In respectful conversation we create a dialog between two people to come to a mutual understanding and communication. Presupposing that one side is right and the other side is not, is not conversation, it's debate.
But we must be open to the possibility that our understanding needs fine-tuning.
Again, the exact opposite of humility. It's hubris and overweening pride to assume that your "understanding" just needs slight adjustments in phrasing, instead of listening to actual gay people and their actual experiences being gay.
My friend’s eyes were opened to relationships that could meet under common issues of faith and God—that spiritual formation could continue in the midst of trying to understand a person’s gay lifestyle.
Which, if true, would be well and good. Unfortunately that's not what it sounds like happened at all.
We need to ask ourselves as Christians how we can be more aware of this conversation and the balance it takes to be effective.
AKA: How can we win this debate. Seriously? "Effective?" The entire point of conversation is not to be effective, it is to share understanding and create communication.
Show patience.
Somehow I do not think this is going to be the kind of patience that actual dialogging with real people requires.
Patience is the hope that through ongoing respectful conversations, a greater understanding will gradually emerge as a gift.
Why yes! This is true.
It is just like when we give a loved one a gift for Christmas. We have put thought into the gift because we know the person. We know their likes and dislikes. We have spent time with them—maybe over several years.
You and I cannot give a “special” gift to someone we just met.
Way to ruin it. "Patience" in this paragraph means do enough market research until you can craft an effective marketing strategy. And again, there isn't the talking and learning that is supposed to lead to truth like Yoder claimed, but rather one side has a monopoly on it and all the failures to convince people of that truth are merely failures of proper advertising strategy.
My friend found common ground and slowly, patiently, began making in-roads. It obviously will take time and patience, but how can we work with and give space for people struggling with their sexual identity?
I like how all gay people are considered "struggling with their sexual identity."
Show love.
Hey! Remember how I kept calling this article a "marketing strategy?" Well, here's the number one strategy!
Patience and humility need to be further complemented by love.
Of course "love" here means something completely different from how people would normally use it.
Love is caring deeply for other persons, which must start by allowing them to express their views and their story.
Which is true. Note, however, he does not mention listening to or attempting to understand their views or story. That's because this is strategy, not actual communication.
Ahh love. Love without sympathy, empathy, understanding, or actual communication!
My friend still communicates on a regular basis with that wait staff from the summer. He prays for and even with some of them.
Oy vey. Again, this is not communication. Praying for someone is not communication, nor is praying with someone. It's certainly can be supportive, but I'm willing to bet he is not being supportive in his prayers.
He has broken down barriers and misconceptions and has been able to share his faith and differing beliefs with the GLBT community—and they are listening and dialoguing.
I am 100% certain this is not true. I would find it doubtful that there is a gay person in this nation that hasn't had considerable contact with religious people. They know his faith, they know his beliefs. Gay people in 21st Century America are not 16th Century Chinese people who have had no cultural contact with Christians and know nothing about them. If there is anyone with barriers and misconceptions it would be the anonymous friend. And as has been repeatedly stated throughout this article, there was no actual dialoguing going on, nor was there even the attempt to dialogue.
As with all these stories about this "friend," I think it is highly suspect and most likely entirely a product of the friend's mind and does not reflect even slightly the reality from the gay waitsaff's perspective. I would love to hear this story from the other waiters' perspectives. Most gay people have dealt with an over eager evangelical acquaintance in their lives, and it usually involves a considerable degree of charity from the gay person.
Are we listening, allowing people different than us to share their views, wrestle with their questions and tell their stories?
No, you're not. The entire article is advice on how best not to do this. Because...
It takes patience, but it’s worth it to think through the issues, engage the people around us and seek to find better ways to share the gift of Truth with our community—no matter their lifestyles, beliefs or backgrounds.
This all is a marketing strategy. You actually couldn't care less about issues, or engagement, this is all about an invisible score card. This reminds me of Alec Baldwin's speech in Glengarry Glen Ross, "ABC, always be closing."
I suppose it is a symptom of believing you have "Truth" (with a capital "T"), which grants you greater insight into gay people's lives than actual gay people.
I really think this article is coming from a good place, but overweening pride absolutely cripples it, and then spirituality-as-marketing swoops in to shoot it in the head. I could give plenty of advice for how to talk to gay people, and I might just do that in a latter post, but this, this is just terrible, terrible guidance.
