From a Guy's Perspective...

So let's pretend you are a fundamentalist, Christian teenage girl. What would you want to do with your spare time? Well that sort of depends. When asked that question you'd probably say something about "praising Jesus until I'm raptured," but we all know what you're really thinking is "BOYS! BOOOOOOOOOOOYS! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS!" unless it is "GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!"

Fortunately for all those young ladies out there a nice teen Christian blogger has taken it upon herself to interview her fellow teens about the vast mystery that is being a man. Being the snarky bastard that I am, I decided I should probably answer her asinine questions and see how I matched up.

1) What are your thoughts on modesty?

I don't think about modesty. I don't know anyone who does think about modesty. I suppose if I were to actually sit down and formulate an opinion about this topic, it would be, "do whatever the hell you want, it doesn't affect me."

2) Some of us feel that we either give too much effort, or not enough, in worrying about the way we dress. What is your suggestion to how you wish girls would dress? What do you like to see girls wearing?

I like to see them wearing whatever they want to wear. I'm sorry, but I can't possibly muster up enough care to actually have an opinion on this, as any friend who has attempted to go clothes shopping with me has found out.

3) How do you feel about girls wearing makeup?

Why would I possibly care about this?

4) A lot of girls worry about looking chic around guys…but what do you consider pretty?

I consider it pretty when girls don't use words like "chic." Yep, that's the most beautiful thing: an interesting personality.

5) Do guys ever notice changes in girls? Hair styles, clothes, etc.?

Sometimes, sometimes I don't. Although if I do, there's at least a 50% chance it is because the woman in question did something unintentionally hilarious.

6) What is something that you want/look for, the most, in your future wife?

I wasn't planning on having a future wife, or a present wife. As far as that something I'm looking for in a future partner? Well, its this thing called a "personality."

7) Do you often feel peer pressure from your friends? In any way, but mostly in the standards that you have set for your life.

No. My friends are all a collection of eccentrics and freaks, we tend to just accept people as they are, rather than attempt to change them. But I'm reasonably certain you've applied peer pressure on people, Miss Raquel.

8) What do you consider flirting and what do you think of a girl when she flirts with you?

Flirting is like pornography, you can't define it, but you know it when you see it... because it turns you on. And I love it when people flirt with me. It's called having fun.

9) How do you feel about dating?

It's super awkward. Like when you find yourself on a date with a guy who looks exactly like Count Orlok from Nosferatu...

10) If you agree w/ courting, how much involvement from YOUR parents do you believe is appropriate in helping you make a final choice in your future wife?

The idea of my parents having any involvement in my choice of partner runs from hilarious to sickening.

11) When you’re interested in a girl, do you focus on her family too? Do you make it a point to get to know them as much as you want to get to know her?

If it is important to my partner that I get to know his family, I would. But I have no inherent desire to involve myself in another family.

12) What is your view on college for girls?

I'm in a class entitled 20th Century North American Female Writers where I am the only guy. I'm reasonably certain you can tell my opinion on college for woman from that fact. Also, last class we discussed Margaret Atwood's short story "Rape Fantasies" a class which I'm certain would cause your brain to explode.

13) What is your dream job? And why?

I'd love to write for TV. I'm currently working on a science-fiction pitch that homages Greek and Roman mythology.

14) What do you think the man’s role is in the home – compared to the woman’s?

The roles are determined by which partner cares the most about whatever it is that needs done.

15) How many kids would you like to have?

One.

16) A lot of guys like using sarcasm around girls…do you know why that is?

Because my generation was raised by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and so we all have very well developed senses of irony and sarcasm.

17) Do guys like it when girls are tomboyish or more girlie?

I'd be quite hard pressed to care about this point.

18) Is there anything that you would appreciate girls doing differently in order to help you maintain your purity?

Why is my purity a concern for anyone other than myself? Also why should I care about maintaining my purity?

19) What do you think about guys and girls hugging?

Really? Really? This is actually something that requires thought and analysis? What a sad, pathetic, and small life that this is a topic of concern.

20) When do you plan to have your first kiss?

This is actually a good (albeit sad) story. So, I'm sitting at the computer one day, and this guy messages me saying that he saw my profile and thinks I'm super hot and wants to meet me. I wasn't doing anything that night so we met up at the student center. Well after talking for an hour, we went back to my place where we watched some episodes of "Married With Children." During which, he leaned over and said "Wanna make out?" and I said, "Okay." So we did. Then he asked me if I wanted a blow job, but I said "no."

And that's how I had my first kiss.

21) How will you respond if God's plan is out of sync with your own?

How would it be possible to even check this out? My response would probably be to not worry about it in the second place since I could never know in the first place.

22) What do you think of girls posting pictures of guys on their blog?

It could be rather creepy and stalkerish.

23) Do you guys sometimes get weirded out by being friends with girls?

When I pick my friends, I never ask "do you have a penis?" That's just not a consideration I'm going to make.

24) What is one thing that girls do that you hate?

Well I rather hate those girls who have some sort of pre-conceived notion of what a friendship with a gay guy is actually like. But I haven't run into that in years. I think the more appropriate question would be "What on Earth do all women have in common enough to hate?"

25) To what degree should a guy and girl just 'be friends'? To what degree should they be betrothed?

I'm sorry, "Betrothed?" This is one of those things like "Courting" earlier, isn't it? You know how you are friends with someone that you don't want to fuck? That's the degree that a guy and a girl should just be friends. I'm not sure anyone should be betrothed.